i love you for all your flaws

tardlz4207 Apr 27, 2008

I don't care if it hurts,
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
when I'm not around
I wish I was special
So f*cking special
that's been my state of mind for too long. i just want to be special and i want to be loved but i have a hard time being what i want... but what is it i want?
i guess what i want is perfection. i know i'm never gonna have that but i keep on trying and i keep on killing myself over it and it's not worth it.
i need to stop trying to force a square into a circle [or whatever it is], so to speak.

i need to rest without falling asleep from exhaustion after keeping myself up all night worrying about achieving.
i starve myself, i try to cough up the little bit that i do eat so i can have a pretty body. i sit up for hours at night trying to get my drawings to be pretty. i've nearly torn parts of my vocal chords trying to sound good enough. all of that i've been doing IS FOR OTHER PEOPLE.
i always wanted other people to like me and after years i'm just now realizing that they DO like me, for me. i'm the one that i've been trying to impress all these years. i'm the only one that's never, ever thought i was good enough.
it's like, even though i've listened to mcr for months now - i'm just now realizing all of this. *facepalm*
i'm really not that bad - if i ever gave myself a chance. i'm funny and i'm loving, that's good enough. thats good enough for me.

i need to stop trying to perfect myself before the sun comes up again.
i need to give myself a break.
i started out this post crying, now i'm smiling. i just need a break for a while. there can only be so much weight per square inch, and when you get to the point that you see yourself falling everytime you close your eyes and you feel like you're gonna break and die if you close your eyes, you know you've put to much weight ON YOURSELF.
this post has basically turned into the epitome of the "you are your harshest critic" phrase... not intentional [haha]. that phrase is one of the powerful truths...remember that...

i'm not upset anymore, i'm actually really quite content.
i'm going to be ok.

i love you all with all of my heart forever, and after forever finally passes by and is nothing but a memory i'm still going to love you just as much.
-sarah

"waking up is knowing who you really are"
-evanescence, Exodus